Growing up I was always the littlest one in class, the smallest one of my grade and the skinniest of my friends. But I never saw it. I thought I was average. Wierd how someone so small can have body image issues. Come age 18 I suffered from an eating disorder that I struggled with for years. I hid it from my family and friends. I got down to 90 lbs. For some reason I thought that no one would notice my skinny cocaine addict looking body. I must have thought those hip bones were beautiful and sexy. My friends and family caught on, but I never saw professional help. I guess people who never had to deal with those issues wouldn’t understand the severity of it. I overcame it alone. And it took me a couple years to finally overcome that demon. Having relapses I guess you could call it? But I finally did. I guess I’m alot stronger than I ever thought. I would never wish that on anyone tho. I really hope that this saying “strong is the new skinny” will affect young girls to be active and show that healthy is what is beautiful, not stick and bones. Being a size zero is actually not that awesome. Being strong and having a shapely booty is awesome. Being able to do things you never thought you could do is awesome.
Nowadays I LOVE to eat. I eat all day long. I’m always hungry. And I want to gain weight, I want to get bigger/stronger. But now it is actually happening and I’m freaking out. I’m feeling fat. Why am I such a sally? Since I’ve upped my protein intake I feel like I have gained a few lbs. But this is a good thing, this is what I want, right? Fucking stop being that girl who freaks out if I can pinch skin on my stomach or if I’m not a size 0. I’m healthy and getting stronger. I’m sure people look at me like I’m thin but this is how I feel. Do I have body dysmorphia or whatever that is? Probably. Or maybe it was that icecream I ate that made me feel fat. Yeah that’s probably what it was. Stop being a fucking baby and go lift.
On a happier note….My birthday weekend is going to start in T minus 4 hours!! Super excited to celebrate tomorrow with my besties! And WOD in the park on Sunday for my first wod as an old lady 😉 heehee
Tips that help me daily: